It just occurred to me that a series of events have led me to bury myself in all kinds of re-organization projects this week. In the back of my mind, maybe I am hoping that by re-organizing the little things I can exit these 40 days with some kind of newfound structure. I confess to having an organizational/cleaning compulsion. Once I clean one thing, I can only see how everything else is dirty and then it snowballs into scrubbing the drawers in the bottom of the fridge. I don’t plan for cleaning days, they just tend to happen, much like what’s happening this week.
Last week I put all of the cds that live in my car in a bag and brought them upstairs. They are still sitting in my closet, waiting to be shuffled into the right cases. As punishment for taking so long I am still driving around with the same 4 cds since last week. And no I don’t use my iPod in the car, I actually love buying cd’s and continue to resist the technology of purchasing music online.
Yesterday it was my workspace. I had been incredibly uncomfortable for several weeks, full of neck and wrist kinks. I should never have waited this long to move stuff around. One thing led to another and I ended up cleaning the whole damn desk, purging files, sharpening pencils, re-arranging computer wires... you get the picture.
Today, I get an email from shutterfly saying “Your pre-paid prints are about to expire.” Coincidence? Doesn’t matter, I am ready to embrace the long-lost house project of printing and organizing all of those digital photos. A few years ago, Joe did that for me and gave me an album of our photos together for my birthday with blank space in the end. It’s been blank ever since.
All the while, I have not been sleeping well. My brain is also shuffling things around and my dreams are weird, almost prophetic. People who are no longer with me, in my current life or who have passed, keep wanting to have deep conversations. These dreams are emotional, disturbing and unsettling. I guess there is such a thing as unfinished business. These re-organizations of emotions are not as easy as alphabetizing my bookshelf but they sure bother me more than any physical mess. But how do you do it, when it would involve speaking to people you have no wish to speak to, or bringing up emotions you would prefer to avoid feeling? How do you do it when it means they get to talk back at you, to tell you that you’re crazy and have a shitty attitude about life? Would this conversation, with no happy ending in sight, actually make me feel better?
And I thought my sock drawer had problems…
Last week I put all of the cds that live in my car in a bag and brought them upstairs. They are still sitting in my closet, waiting to be shuffled into the right cases. As punishment for taking so long I am still driving around with the same 4 cds since last week. And no I don’t use my iPod in the car, I actually love buying cd’s and continue to resist the technology of purchasing music online.
Yesterday it was my workspace. I had been incredibly uncomfortable for several weeks, full of neck and wrist kinks. I should never have waited this long to move stuff around. One thing led to another and I ended up cleaning the whole damn desk, purging files, sharpening pencils, re-arranging computer wires... you get the picture.
Today, I get an email from shutterfly saying “Your pre-paid prints are about to expire.” Coincidence? Doesn’t matter, I am ready to embrace the long-lost house project of printing and organizing all of those digital photos. A few years ago, Joe did that for me and gave me an album of our photos together for my birthday with blank space in the end. It’s been blank ever since.
All the while, I have not been sleeping well. My brain is also shuffling things around and my dreams are weird, almost prophetic. People who are no longer with me, in my current life or who have passed, keep wanting to have deep conversations. These dreams are emotional, disturbing and unsettling. I guess there is such a thing as unfinished business. These re-organizations of emotions are not as easy as alphabetizing my bookshelf but they sure bother me more than any physical mess. But how do you do it, when it would involve speaking to people you have no wish to speak to, or bringing up emotions you would prefer to avoid feeling? How do you do it when it means they get to talk back at you, to tell you that you’re crazy and have a shitty attitude about life? Would this conversation, with no happy ending in sight, actually make me feel better?
And I thought my sock drawer had problems…
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